Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Answering Machine

I should be studying for my ethics test right now, but I'm not yet, obviously, since I'm updating my blog right now. It's weird that spring break is almost here. I'm really excited to go home and see my family. It's also weird that lent began today.

I've been on really bad germophobia kick recently, for no apparent reason.

And Larry Levis is an incredible poet:

The Poem You Asked For

My poem would eat nothing.
I tried giving it water
but it said no,

worrying me.
Day after day,
I held it up to the llight,

turning it over,
but it only pressed its lips
more tightly together.

It grew sullen, like a toad
through with being teased.
I offered it money,

my clothes, my car with a full tank.
But the poem stared at the floor.
Finally I cupped it in

my hands, and carried it gently
out into the soft air, into the
evening traffic, wondering how

to end things between us.
For now it had begun breathing,
putting on more and

more hard rings of flesh.
And the poem demanded the food,
it drank up all the water,

beat me and took my money,
tore the faded clothes
off my back,

said Shit,
and walked slowly away,
slicking its hair down.

Said it was going
over to your place.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Impossible Germany

I don't understand it, because when you get 4-5 hours of sleep, the next day should be absolutely terrible, but somehow today was an awesome day. I haven't collapsed yet, I got to play Phase 10 in my one-on-one, I'm feeling more confident about teaching my class in the fall, I got to have a conversation with someone that went really well, I don't have massive amounts of work tonight like I usually do, I started looking for journal articles for my research paper and am finding some awesome ones, and so on.

And my conference with Dominika went really well today and she said that with revision, some of my poems could make an acceptable portfolio for an advanced workshop, which is exciting because I've totally fallen head over heels in love with poetry and want to continue this.

So this was nice, and it reminds me why I love being so busy, because it's the only way to actually achieve things. It makes it worth it.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Grace Cathedral Park

I've never been there, but I feel like I have already. I really want to go to Europe this summer--most likely Spain--so I need to start figuring that out soon. I wish spring break would be figured out soon, but if not I'll just go home and have a great time there. And that's not sarcastic--I love Clearwater in a really strange way, and I miss it sometimes. My sister got a purple cell phone for her 11th birthday yesterday and I got stuck in an elevator with hyperventilating parents. I need to call my parents today.

I think I'm getting better at holding my tongue sometimes, but I also don't want to not let people know how I feel.

Sometimes I can't figure things out, and sometimes I just don't care to, because it's easier not to and to just let things go by, maybe smile and wave from the curb. For thousands of years parades have made people on the sidelines plenty happy.

Ragged bits of tide

"No one knows where we go when we're dead or when we're dreaming"

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

My new hobby

Freaking out about graduate school. See, I want to be a professor more than anything else; I never want to leave the academic life. And I want to do my Ph.D. in English. The problem here is that 90% of all universities hire from the top 20 programs in any given field, meaning that to get a job anywhere other than TCC, you need to go to a top-level school. Further problem: the best english programs are at schools where the program has been established for a long period of time, built up a vast library, published tons of influential articles. So my short list is now looking like Stanford, Berkeley, Harvard, Princeton, and UVA as my safety. Faaan-tastic.

UVA's website says they demand at the very least a B average. No sweat, I got that. Hold on, what does Stanford want?

"M.A. students must prove reading knowledge of one foreign language, while Ph.D. candidates must prove reading knowledge of two foreign languages. Ideally, applicants will have language proficiency before admission, as it is not practical to acquire two languages from scratch given the rigors of the Ph.D. program"


"We do not publish an "average" GRE score, since the number of students (10) in any given year is so small as to make an "average" meaningless."

Wait...the number of what?

"We are able to matriculate about 10 students with funding from an applicant pool of 350+."
10 students with funding from an applicant pool of 350+
10 students from an applicant pool of 350 +
10 students

Oh dear Christ.
Commence ulcer formation.

Burden's surprise

I've been staying up really late recently. I haven't been to bed before 4 since last Wednesday night. Not an exaggeration. Sometimes I think during the day that I need to be really industrious when I get home and work hard, and then suddenly it's midnight, it's another night of half-done assignments and self-contempt. If I could just be dedicated, what could I achieve? This haunts me some nights.

My insomnia is weird because at 6 I want to go to bed so badly, but by 11 I couldn't care less. I don't understand. Sometimes I like being reclusive, but I don't want to be nocturnal.

I think I've figured out exactly what I want to do with the next four years of my life. I mean, it feels like it, but then again I've never felt like I've known what I want to do after college before. And hell, I should make it a five year plan just for laughs.

Sunday, February 15, 2009


There are some days that I feel like I'm just kinda going through the motions and waiting for everything to come unraveled. And then there are other days that completely restore my faith in everything. But when this happens on the same day, it's really strange, and fulfilling. I feel like I've taken on too much this semester, but then again, I feel like I'll always be at least this busy, because once FIG and research ends, then I've got to start my thesis, and I'm going to see my advisor to talk about graduate schools this week and how to get into a top English program, aka Stanford. And I'm thinking, oh jeez, undergrad is almost halfway over. But then I have mornings like this when I think that time doesn't even matter because it's not really real anyway.

I need to have more mornings like this. And if I got through last week and wrote a 1500 word essay in my second language, I think I can make it through anything.

This is my attempt to be a better blogger, by the way.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Dear reader

This blog sucks so far. It really does. I mean, other than that bitchin sweet picture at top, and my kickass name, this thing is basically worthless. My blogging style is generally convoluted and cryptic and full of references to things only I understand or think is funny, but some of these posts are just terrible, so I want to apologize for that. I'm going to try to blog better in the future. Also my layout sucks, other than the aforementioned parts.

To be a better person.
To be a better blogger.
To be a better citizen.

Yes we can.

Ok, I should really get started on that Spanish essay.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I can see a lot of light in you.

To the children and the innocent it's all the same.

I need to begin meditating anew, because all of the life I felt this summer, it started right there on my carpet every morning.

Good workshops make me feel awesome. Spanish tests tomorrow make me feel anxious.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Lift yr skinny fists like antennas to heaven

Last night was really special. The fog and the moonlight combined to make a beautiful ghost world, surrounded by ghost trees that faded and twisted and shifted off into the darkness, and the beached jellyfish came up like manna from the bottom, offering themselves up to the glowing orb that cast down smiling white light on us as we lay on the beach, and even the fox forgives us, I think.

I'm getting that itch again, Jack. I gotta go somewhere.

Saturday, February 7, 2009


Blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Two lists

What makes me furious
  • Proposed Budget Cuts to the English Dept.
  • The superfluous construction projects on campus, when money could be spent on, oh, academics?
  • When I don't feel productive in class

What makes me happy
  • The song "Get me away I'm Dying" by Belle & Sebastian

Monday, February 2, 2009


Please excuse me; I'm going through a recluse phase.

Qué la luna verde reluzca toda la noche.
Qué los cuchillos viejos ya no tiriten bajo el polvo.
Qué la jaca negre me tome hasta Sevilla.
Qué la luz de la noche nunca se apague.

Sunday, February 1, 2009


El día se va despacio,
la tarde colgada a un hombro,
dando una larga torera
sobre el mar y los arroyos.
Las aceitunas aguardan
la noche de Capricornio,
y una corta brisa, ecuestre,
salta los montes de plomo.